Towards harmony in marital relationships
As Indians, we are experts at aping others. We like to ape the West in any possible way. This is more so, in matters concerning the inter-personal relationships in families. Indian marriages are now put to the most severe test, ever, for several reasons.
A very disturbing trend among young couples in most cities is to get angry for any small thing and blame each other for any lapse. This is more pronounced among those employed in the IT industry. Those who love each other at work and then get married, often find themselves at a loss to understand what went wrong -- even in as little as two years into their marriages. Even arranged marriages are no better, as one of the life partners in a marriage comes very late to home, and does not have the patience to engage the other in meaningful conversation, leading to breakdown in communication, and difference in opinion on the simplest of things.
There are problems galore, even in other cases. For instance, those boys who grow up in urban centers and are more used to the urban way of life, including table manners in the five star hotels, being IT savvy at all times, and so on, do not get well with their wives if the latter happen to be from semi-urban or rural areas. Even if the wife is a graduate or one with higher qualifications, the husband starts to believe that the way is a misfit. The TV serials in many languages go a long way in reinforcing such opinions. Constant abuse and teasing of the wife starts, with disastrous consequences.
So, how does one make things better, and how can more harmony be a way of life in Indian marriages?
The answers to the aforesaid question may seem very complex, but it is not so. Actually, we do have a huge cushion for marriages to work. For marriages to work, both the husband and wife need to look far beyond ordinary mundane quarrels or differences of opinion. A big amount of openness and transparency is called for. Once this is in place, other things may be easy to sort out. For example, inviting relatives from either side for social and religious functions may be a good opportunity for a good deal of bonding and emotional support between the husband and wife.
Similarly, the husband needs to understand that as members of the weaker sex, wives have their own physical and emotional problems. When the wife is also employed, she has to develop ways and means to strike a balance between the work at home and in the office. This becomes a huge challenge, more so, if the wife has to deal with the in-laws at home.
Wives in such cases, expect a huge amount of emotional support, and the husband needs to balance the emotional needs of his wife on the one hand, and his own mother on the other. In very rare cases, the wife gets a highly supportive mother-in-law, but this rarely happens. Ego clashes between the two women is a real challenge for the man, and he has to take on the mantle of managing any problem. Any imbalance here would lead to further problems.
Having a good network of friends and relatives in the local city or town, can work wonders. They will really offer good advise, more so, when conflicts seem to be getting out of hand.
We need to be conscious of the fact that our fathers and mothers had a huge talent in terms of tolerance for ambiguity, managing crisis situations and with fairly less wages in their times. A little conversation with such elders will through up many new ideas and will offer new avenues for understanding and compassion.
The problem of ego clashes needs to be sorted out soon, and the help of professional counselors can also be sought, just in case there is a need for this. It is always in the hands of the husband and wife to sort out any problem. It is never too late.
We need to be alive that Indians have far more emotional intelligence that is common to any marriage. Learning from success stories can also help a great deal.
Let us not ape the West in wrecking our marriages. Let us work towards more harmony, and for this to happen, we need a lot of give and take. This is easy and it can indeed happen.
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