It's how you can live your own life
Living one's own life means, living in accordance with one's own aspirations and ambitions.We see a majority of the people around us living in accordance with somebody's expectations. This type of living is nothing but 'Living other's life.'
What you need to live your own life?
Assertiveness is the most important life skill you need to live your own life.In fact it's the starting point that paves way to Self esteem, which in turn makes you live a life of your own. A life you always dreamed of.
What is Assertiveness
Assertiveness is that trait in an individual which enables him to communicate clearly and confidently without an iota of ambiguity.
Assertiveness is that skill in a person which makes him call ‘A spade a spade.’
Assertiveness is that characteristic, which makes a person express his emotions freely.
A person with assertiveness will not wait for others’ validations.
What your assertiveness speaks of?
A person with assertiveness means.
A person with high self esteem.
A person who knows thoroughly what he is made of.
A person who knows his strengths and weakness.
In other words, a person with assertiveness always wants
to make others, what he feels, what his opinion about a particular situation or a person without mincing words.
What a person with assertiveness is not.
A person with high assertiveness is not a bully.
He will not dominate and encroach on others’ rights and peripheries.
A person with high assertiveness will not lose his grip on his life.He has full control on his life.
When the quality of assertiveness comes and what are the influencing factors?
All the traits related to Assertiveness are learned in childhood. The influencing factors are directly linked with the environment around. The environment embraces Parents, family and the school. Where there is love and an atmosphere filled with ample freedom that brings out one’s real self, ultimately one’s personality.
It’s during childhood, there is a chance for the individual to get influenced by family beliefs .For example, in some families, there is a practice of gender bias.
The belief that,’People brand me Selfish, if I assertively say 'what I want’.
The belief,’If I say assertively “No”, people may think I’m crude.’
The belief , ‘I should not encroach upon other’s beliefs.’
Skills to acquire Assertiveness
Making your needs clear is the first skill to be acquired. Suppose, someone has borrowed a book from you and, he’s not returning the book as promised in time. In such cases, make a strong assertion, keeping it short and simple,” Please return the book today.”
The second skill to be acquired is avoiding a feeling of resentment. To be sure, write what you are going to say to save an unsavory situation. Never be impolite. Make it short. Tell in a brief way how a person’s repeated actions are causing inconvenience and upsetting you despite repeated instructions not to do so. Say in brief and concise way, about the problem. How his actions are causing discomfort to you. And finally tell with him what he 's expected ought to do.
The third skill you have to learn to acquire Assertiveness is, Repeat. Yes, go on repeating your point of view and. Persist. The other person even if he comes out with his own point of view, go on repeating. Repeat, Repeat and repeat.
Negotiating tactfully is another way of acquiring Assertiveness.Here while negotiating, maintain your cool.Express your point of view. Know the other person's point of view.In a calm and cool way, talk about an in between way of solving the problem. While doing this, don't be dogmatic.
A bit of praise, and a little compliment like,'I love the way you put it', will another step that takes you towards fortifying your Assertiveness, For this a little background like a right time and right place are necessary. Don't search for the cause to praise. Anything well said in the right time and place will work. For example, you can say after a party with the host Navya, 'I enjoyed every bit of the party Navya, especially the meal.
The way you take a compliment without showing the signs of 'overjoy' or indifference and carelessness is the skill which shows your level of self-assertiveness.
Saying NO
What will you do if you see an overflowing tap?
You will put it off.Akin to this saying NO to the demands of
others which you are unwilling to do will put you in a commanding position. It also speaks of your control on your life.
Do you live your life?
If you lead a life in tune with your necessities ,you are living your life.On the contrary, if you live your life in tune with other's demands and wishes, you are living other's life. Over a period of time, this inevitably leads to a gradual buildup of resentment. This in turn, will pave road to frustration. It goes without saying how this frustration becomes instrumental in ruining the relationships. It adds miseries to you. One who leads a life of other's will be unknowingly adding more headaches and more frustration, which in the long run will lead to disastrous results.
An affirmative NO where it's needed will give an edge to your life. This in turn multiplies your confidence and the much needed Self- confidence.
Why do you hesitate to say No ?
The age old hesitation. The age old apprehension,'What people will think about me,don't they think, 'I'm a difficult person to deal with?'
There are ways to say NO
A firm NO sounds very aggressive. But, it's very much essential at times depending on situation. For example, a child who tries to take advantage to get the things done and who tries to use tantrums as an effective tool needs an aggressive approach. And remember others, like sales men who visit your home to push the sales of domestic products, people who try to take advantage of using 'Persistence' to pass on his or the problem on to you, should be treated with an assertive NO.Sounding clearly, 'It's not going to work' combined with a smile and extending your hand for a hand shake will definitely send the message across. It has an invisible shade of, 'No'. No further talk will be allowed', leaving no ambiguity even in traces. You can use sentences like, 'I know, your intention.but, the news paper you wanted to sell will add more expenditure to me because, I'm already using two other news papers. I don't see any reason, why I should add an extra news paper. The other person will certainly understand, that's the end of the road.The other person will be convinced why you say NO.Here, you are providing the 'Reason'. You are also providing the basis for your refusal.
Suppose if you add the reason for your inability by using the sentence, 'I have an appointment with the CEO. I'm on my way to CEO's office according to his Personal assistant, I should meet the CEO immediately, so that he will attend the Director's meet in the coming 10 or 15 minutes.
This way, you are not only giving an opportunity to the other person to know the the reason behind your refusal, it's going to help in avoiding an unsavory situation. The question of 'Offence' will not arise at all.
Raising the curtains for a negotiation.
While refusing, you are suggesting that the matter is not yet closed. There is a message in your refusal hinting that if certain conditions are fulfilled. we can negotiate at a time, that's surely your convenient time.The other person can clearly read your message and he will not think otherwise.But, here you should be very sure and certain, that you should be definitely in a position to stick to your word by standing by your word on the said time later.
The other way at your disposal is to offer an alternative way
To meet the other person's needs, by suggesting a way to you can show your amicability.Suppose the other person who puts forward his intention to meet you at a particular time and that particular time suggested by the other person is not suitable to you, you can suggest, 'Can we meet on any other day or today at a later time?'This technique is not only suggesting the other person that the the matter is still alive, but also makes him understand the ingenuity of your refusal. This sort of situation will make the other person comply with the condition laid out by you.
Repeating NO again and again works effectively on those who are not seasoned persisting persons.
By sticking to your own guns, come what may will send a clear message to the other person that you are not going to yield under any conditions. Imagine a dialogue between you and the other person like this.
If you can accommodate for this time...
No, I already made my plans for a vacation with my family..
How about tomorrow?
No, my flight tickets are booked for tomorrow. Being the vacation time, I'm not sure of getting my flight reservation for another date.
Note,Here you are consistently saying NO to the other person. This definitely sends the message the reason for your 'refusal.'
The sum total of all the above factors is, if religiously followed will definitely drive home the point that you are a man with clear thoughts. It also says that you have deep rooted desire to live your own life on your own terms.. Your firmness in all the societal and personal matters is unshakable. Your decision to boost your self esteem,and ultimately to get what you want in your life is clearly understood.
Remember, for a person whose level of Self-esteem is high, the word 'Impossible' sounds ridiculous.
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