The Regret
It was morning. And when I woke up, there were faint memories of what had made me fall to sleep. Dried salt on the brink of my eyes was not the only thing that remained from the night.
I thought of forgetting of all those nasty thoughts that my sub conscious was going to bring back again when I will be reminded of what I am, but I chose to keep them away right now. But would I be ever be able to do that? It was hard to not to accept what seemed already accepted deep down. How far can I choose to conceal it? There were so many things, each reminding me what I actually could do...For myself, for those who were close to me. But then, it was just they who made me thing again and again that this thinking was not worth it. I wondered what would they do if they knew what I had accepted for a fact, or did they already knew it and still moved me along.
I have given these thoughts every dimension I could think of. Still it came to me always the same. What was it that was making me worth all this? Was it some higher plan that I was not able to see right now or is it just as old people say, a matter of luck, the fruit of the good deeds of my past lives. But then again it made me afraid; was it mine or of the people who love me that are keeping me alive; and if it were to be true, what was my next life going to be.
But these were distant thoughts, offshoots of what I lamented every minute inside, something I feared to accept, but that came to me all the time. What I could see, no one else did; or more likely they choose to ignore that for my sake; for they loved me. Why else will some keep something like this going on; I gave it all my thought and this was all that came to me.
People judge what they see, but what all could they see? I could feel... every bit of it. Nevertheless there was nothing I could do. How do I turn into something without having to go through the pain that must come? Fear of all, drove the thought of change. But then there was mere selfishness, something I objected to, but still could not drive it away.
Suddenly, I was getting a clearer picture. And I regretted it again. It is always hard to make someone understand what you feel. But sometimes you just know that the person who is listening feels it all the way. He may not say it right, he may not console right...but yes he feels...every bit of the agony you go through.
I wondered whether I would like someone to go through a pain like that, whether it would be justified. But then, there is nothing you can hide. It is all there. No matter how hard you try, if you know they are a part of you, you cannot deny the fact that they deserve to know.
Sometimes the pain makes me think of otherwise, but most of the time I reconcile to it. Is it another of the flaw that I have? The moment I see it, I regret it all the more.
Today, there are things that I have accomplished, and there are thing I still have to. Not for me, but for the ones I love. But then when I think of it, and the thought overpowers, I find myself with a wish, ironically borne off selfishness, nevertheless, actually wanting the opposite of it. To have lived enough. All I had wanted to have, don't I have already? Or that I just don't care what lies ahead. Not that it's the fear of going through the real test of times, but rather knowing that when I would falter, that I sure would, it would be much more agonizing for those who are around me. Again not because they would see me falling, but because I would take away all of their peace of mind to merely stand again, something others have already learned by now and to my guilt, I have not.
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