A Step In The Right Direction - Effective Parenting
Parenting is not easy
These days they say that children know all the answers before parents ask the questions. So, effective parenting also needs effective communication skills which need to be sharpened every now and then to keep up with our children who are, let us face it, a lot smarter than us !
All of us mothers remember our child's faltering steps, it gets recorded in our heart and mind as deeply as in the baby’s record book. Every mother also probably remembers with anguish that the years after that first step were not perhaps as harmonious as she wanted them to be or hopes fervently that she could make a better go of interacting with her kid today than she did yesterday. So it is almost an accepted fact that for parents, parenting does not come easy. And practically speaking, how could it be? We become parents for the first time and no matter what others might say and advice us, our baby would be an individual in his or her own right and would prove everyone wrong by being different and difficult ..
For parents to stand and think and then react is near impossible, when your little one is throwing tantrums and screaming at the top of his or her voice, the mother’s natural instinct will be screaming to react to this undesirable behavior instead of think, how to go about it. And parents usually without exception want to be good parents, wanting to raise children who think of them as not kill joys or old fashioned dog in the manger kinds! And parenting is a life time job that goes from phase to the other as chidren grow up.
Good parenting is definitely not an easy task , in fact raising kids is one of the toughest jobs in the world and even after all the effort and pain we go through one is never sure if we have done our best . However, for parents when they see their grown children leading their lives and managing well by themselves, it seems as if it is one of the most fulfilling jobs in the world .What does make it difficult is that most of us are least prepared for it.
Some tips to bear in mind
1, Praise is good - Many old timers have this opinion that we must never praise our children and even if we do during some rare occasions it should be to the point, stringent . But I beg to differ – Why not praise (not flatter them in front of others , even when they don't deserve it, this happens with some parents) when your child accomplishes something however small – it will make them feel proud and happy, also spur them on to do better and explore new horizons. Letting kids do things independently will give them self confidence and feel that they are capable of doing things by themselves. They also learn to take responsibility for all their actions. I remember an incident when my son broke a window glass in our house while playing with his friends in the garden.We had a talk about it and he was very sorry for wht he had done and promised to help us get it repaired by saving his pocket money.I decided never to ask him, but was surprised when after a couple of months he gave me some money and also told me to utilise his birthday gift money to repair the window! Children are very easy to mold if we take the trouble to do so and with some encouraging words they really bloom and flourish!
2, Don’t Criticize and compare – This is very harmful to the morale of a child. We see some parents constantly nagging and criticizing their children by passing belittling comments or comparing a child unfavorably with another. The only thing you will accomplish by doing that is make your kid feel worthless and lose his or her self esteem. Mistakes are made by children and it is a constant learning process for them,if they don't make mistakes they don't learn - it is as easy as that. We have to guide them rather than criticising their actions all the time.
3, Constructive criticism – Making loaded statements like ‘Look at yourself, what a sissy you are ! ‘ or ‘ Why do you behave like an imbecile and an idiot ? These are very painful for the child and many parents have this habit of using words as weapons. Such hurtful talk can cause damage to the young minds just as much as physical blows do. Ideally, however angry instead of coming down heavily on your child, you should choose words carefully and be compassionate. We should make them understand that even if they have made a mistake we still love them - the message should be that we are not happy with their behavior, which can be changed with a little effort from their side, but our feelings remain the same.
4, Be Understanding – We Have to understand that they are still very young and have a long way to go before they learn how to manage life on their own. We have to guide them and teach them to handle life by being understanding rather than being dominating and over bearing. There is a saying we reap as we sow- and this is true of child rearing, an over strict parent who lacks understanding will only rear children who will be dominating and be a control freak with little understanding for people around him when he or she becomes an adult including his or her parents !
5, Discipline – Discipline as elsewhere in life is essential while bringing up children. While some parents make instilling discipline the aim and goal of their life, some take it far too easy. It is better to take a middle path and be balanced, after all we need to have some fun times with our children too. The goal of instilling discipline should be to help kids choose acceptable behaviors within the house and outside in public places and also learn self-control. They are bound to resist and test the limits as you go on establishing them but they certainly need those limits to grow into responsible adults.Another point here I would like to make is that children respect you when they know that they have to do certain things since it is needed for their own betterment. I have heard young children say with pride, such a thing is not allowed in my house since my mom is strict about it. This shows that they are convinced with what has been laid down and that's how discipline should be instilled - make them understand and follow it knowing fully well that it is essential.
6, Self Discipline - Instilling discipline also brings in another factor, that of our own discipline. I have seen parents banning children from doing this and that and going ahead and doing the same. What kind of a message does that send and how does it affect the child's psyche? As he grows up he will believe that there are two sets of rules - one for the underdog (him or herself) and one for those in power ( parents ).No wonder then we have double standards in our society.
Parents should be fair while establishing any kind of rules and be prepared to follow them along with their children before implementing them.That way children realise the importance of discipline since everyone is required to follow it.
6, Communication – Make this a priority. It is not fair to expect kids to do everything simply because as a parent you have the right to do so. You need to discuss and make them understand about things and why it is important to do things the way they need to be done. They deserve to be given explanations as much as adults do. If we don't take time to explain things to them , our kids may do as we say out of fear or compulsion, but in the long run this means very little as far as their personality development goes. Communication is very essential in every relationship and Parents who take time and make an effort to reason with their kids allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental manner.
7, Be clear – Never confuse your child by harping from one issue to the other. Be clear about what is expected of them and if there is a problem, make sure that they understand it by explaining things to them and invite your child to work out a solution with you. Be sure to include your child whenever there is some decisions to be made at home. Be open to your child's suggestions as well, even if it is not feasible – this makes them learn ways of life and making practical and wise decisions in life .When they become part of a decision making, they are more motivated to carry them out as well.
8, Be Practical and innovative – Most parents follow the parenting habits of their parents, which may or may not have produced excellent results, however they follow it. To be a Good parent, one requires to use the parenting techniques of our parents that were effective while at the same time realizing where they went wrong and make amends. We can also learn from other peoples experience just as a barometer to gauge certain basic reactions in children – However the best way one can handle one’s own children is through instinct since there are no hard and fast rules of parenting..
9, Know Your Limitations as a Parent – None of us is perfect and as far as parenting is concerned we don't even have any first hand experience so the best way to handle children is to learn along with your children by going down to their level at times thinking their thoughts and analysing their reactions to situations. It helps to Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once.
10. Don't underestimate your child – I see that many parents underestimate their children’s capabilities. They seem surprised when their children do well in debates or are good at dancing or drawing. This goes to show that children are often neglected by parents in areas where a lot more attention needs to be given. Given the proper environment and tools children can learn much faster than adults and accomplish much more than us. When children are very young and making mistakes don't criticize instead be patient so that they take up the learning process as an interesting and challenging process rather than as a boring chore that needs to be done . Never force young children to learn instead we can achieve a lot more by creating a learning environment and let them learn at their own pace
11, Don’t be stubborn - Children can be very stubborn if they want to. And there are times when they tire us out, so it is better to give in with grace but make them understand that you have done so because you don’t want to hurt their feelings . There is a saying - one can stoop to conquer and it does work well with young children. Most children are smart and know that you could have held out but instead decided to give in and that makes them love and respect you a little more .
12. Never bribe or blackmail your child - Both don’t work, instead corrupt your child’s personality. Once things have been clarified children do fall into a pattern and do what they are supposed to do. Every now and then they may need to be reminded, but never bribe them with ice creams and pizzas or pocket money to carry out their duties, it will develop into a habit that can have far reaching effects in later life .. Similarly, don't make small children promise things that is very difficult for them to keep up. Don't black mail them into doing things or put them in a situation where they have to lie and receive punishment from you because they were cornered . This is a sure way of building resentment within the child . There have been instances where children have either run away from home because they were so stressed or else there was a complete break down in communication the parents and child.
13. Be honest – Make sure that you don’t lie nor give false accounts to others about your child or about yourself front of your child . Sometimes there are some tricky situations that force us to distort the truth and at such times if your child is a witness to that , it is best to explain the situation to him or her and see how they react. Otherwise, children will not be able to understand why you expect them to be truthful, while you yourself are lying.
Finally to conclude, good parenting is not all about imposing rules and discipline, it also about sharing, caring and loving. When children have a happy childhood it acts like a shield and an anchor for them to go back down memory lane when they are disturbed or are facing some problems in adult life. It happens with all of us. So we have be firm for their own good and also be consistent in our dealings.
Like it on Facebook, Tweet it or share this article on other bookmarking websites.