How to raise your children - Without being too assertive
Good or Ideal parent
We always think in terms of being a good parent or should I say an ideal parent but just when do you begin thinking about it, I mean at what age of children you begin thinking about being a good parent. I know in such cases every one thinks about their own parents and time when they themselves were growing, for most of us our parents were the ideal most parents. I know you will not agree with me if I said that no parents were ideal even if they tried to keep things under rule books. My theory says there are no set theories that work for every child in same ways.
Now what would you say if I told you that children, especially boys love to kick around, ranting and venting while in growing stage. They need someone to blame for their own mistakes and blowing their frustrations out. And if they need someone, just where they would look for that ‘someone’, I am afraid to say but that is you. You should instead provide them a chance to accuse you for their committed mistakes. You should not take their accusation in a bad or insulting manner but take it sportingly because it is going to help your children in a long way.
We should not be too bookish
You should understand that children find it most suitable to accuse their parents for their shortcomings. This has been the same for generations and will always be that everyone finds reasons to blame their parents for whatever they did not achieve in their life or whatever mistakes they committed in their daily routines. They always find reasons to blame their parents irrespective of how ideal or organized they used to be. But once they become parents themselves, they will finally understand that it is neither good nor must to be ideal but some concessions are must. Yes, you read me right, you must not be ideal as per the books but some concessions are must to keep your children free from frustrations. That particular point of not being bookish ideal will make you good parent.
You take matters too seriously
We as parents know that children will have to follow certain rules and systems while growing up and parents will have to keep an eye to make them understand about these rules. Now tell me which parent wants his children to eat junk food, let them oversleep or allows them to keep awake until late nights. No parents would want their children to use bad words, disobey their teachers or parents, or keep bad company. The fact is we know all about good things, which our children should follow but we do not know or do not want to accept that if we allowed them an exception that will not be the end of the world. There are certain exceptions that will not be as bad but will only make your children stronger in believing in rules.
If you have reasons to believe that all rules are mandatory and if your child broke even one of them, you are probably making yours and your child’s life more stressful. Take it easy, mention it lightly in a jolly way, your child will realize it in a better way. Making your own life a misery cursing every single event will take you nowhere. So the emphasis is on how you teach discipline to your children and not on how strictly you teach discipline to your children. Making them follow rules every single occasion might lure them to break some of the rules some of the times. Let them know about the rules in their own ways, everyone is different and learns according to their capacities. Your ultimate target is to teach them in a friendly manner.
Good and bad parents
Have you ever thought about the successful parents who have the natural ability to make their children obey all the rules and which will make their children reach at the top of the world? Some parents can do this very easily and then there are the parents who are not that successful at handling their children that effectively. I can say that some parents always find ways to remain calm and cool and make things pretty easy for them and their children but if we look at the other lot, they never feel comfortable or at ease. They might not be feeling the stress of not being good parents but always tensed for something or the other and that ‘something’ becomes the very obstacle in their way of becoming good parents. I think some of these points listed below can change your views-
A- There are different reasons for parents to feel irritated if their children did not behave the way they like them to. For instance some parents get too upset if the children did not take their shoes off while entering into the living area or out of the door even if their shoes were not dirty or if the children kept a particular item on a wrong place instead of fixed place. I think parents have reasons to get upset but children feel too uneasy and never feel at ease always fearing about ‘possibilities’ which could make their parents uneasy.
B- Have you ever thought in terms of that your children should be the winner every competition that they participate. Wait, this is not limited to competitions but they should never loose even the friendly bouts they participate frequently.
C- Do you think parents who do not mind their children making noise, play freely without fear of getting dirty or even fighting with playmates are lesser happy. For me such parents take things easily because they treat their children naturally while teaching them about common sense and manners. They are not making their children adult before time but helping them grow naturally in an eased way. Children growing up in a natural environment with freedom to express themselves and little bit of space to breath away from too many rules to follow become better citizen compared to those who know nothing but rules straight out of the rule books.
D- I understand that parents who allow their children a few liberties are not making them perfect as the ones who go by the book but I still believe that children if told to behave in simple ways find it easy to follow the rules as the time goes by.
E- I also have trust in that we should concentrate on basics, as far children are concerned. They should stay fit, away from harm’s way, learn basic manners so they do not go out of control, do not stay hungry. I as a person do not think it makes a big difference if something went against the schedule and you kept ranting for whole of the next week. It is better to leave small things out of the strict criteria all the time. Do it with little bit of breathing space for yourself and your child. That will make life happier for both of you.
Good Advice make a difference
I know advises make vital difference and almost everyone who counts in your life has an advice to offer for good parenting, better upbringing of your children. That might come in form a personal experience, instruction or simple suggestions. Sometimes these advice become hard to swallow, so the best advice to you is to ignore such advice. The best person that can give you an advice to you is ‘you’ your own self or your partner. Therefore, if you do not intend to lose your mental balance by listening to these number of baseless advice you should keep in your mind that to raise your children nicely, you have to keep in best of your mental status.
And when I say that you should not listen to them, I do not mean you should ignore them totally but it is possible that you get a few good advice coming your way in ones or twos. Listen to them, although you are not bound to follow them because I have a firm believe that whatever is good for another person may or may not prove useful for you as well. A particular technique may work well for a particular child might prove futile for your child. Even a particular technique will not bring the same results for two of your own children in a similar way. I can only suggest that you should have enough self-confidence to accept or deny a particular advice on its merits.
You should allow them to live on their own
It may sound strange to us Indians but we must learn to let our children have their own life. I do not mean that we should pressurize them do things on their own before they grow properly but what I mean is that they should learn to stay active without our guidance all the time. They should learn to be a self-starter in place of being a kick-start. It is very important for both of you because if you try to postulate your views on them all the time chances are they will soon find them under pressure. You should never let them feel that your own ambitions are dependent on their personal successes or failures. The moment they feel so, they will do everything to impress you and satisfy your ego but they will cease to enjoy their own life. Probably this will prove to be the worst mistakes you will ever do to ruin the career of your child.
Do you remember your last dinner with your friends when your children were not around and you did not mention your children in your conversation? It is possible you had a few outings without your children but it is hard to believe that you did not think about them during the entire period. It sounds nice but it is not good for either of you. They will not become self-sufficient. You should be ready to live without them because they must to learn to live their own life it should begin from the beginning. After all, they will leave you to live their own life one day and then you find yourself at a point where you fail to determine your next step.
Children need more than your love
Most parents think that love is enough but your children need much more than your love alone. In fact, they want your control over them, they want to learn about discipline from you, art of good living, healthy lifestyle, good education, open mind. They should know the value of money and at the same time how to spend properly. The willingness to learn is another positive feature you can provide to your children. No one ever said that all this was easy to handle. The parents who gave birth to their children have a task on their hands that will need more than their love. Growing up children is an important task that certainly will keep them busy for a long time. Children need your blood, sweat and tears while raising them so be prepared with all your might. But you do not have to feel scared because billions of parents have done it successfully.
Same treatment does not work for every child
We must keep in our mind that not every child has the same mental capability neither he is a product out of a mold from a production unit, so it is not possible to treat them alike on a same level playing. Some children are obedient type those listen to your commands more easily but some of them look at this world with their own specs. They do not want to accept you as a bossy figure who could take control that easily. I can see that in my own kid who does not want to take his socks off even while he is taking a bath. He feels comfortable in his socks even while he is sleeping. So unless we show him another pair he will not let them take off his socks. In such cases, you have to work out a different strategy to make such children understand the reason. And this is only a small example of a very wide subject about different ways children have to make you think on different ways of handling for different children.
Your children should know you love them
Now, this is serious matter as we have two schools of thoughts in our country. One of them thinks that we should not be obvious about our love for children because they might exploit it taking it for our weakness for them. Some others feel that if our children came to know about our feelings then they can even blackmail us emotionally so it is better to keep our feelings to ourselves. The other thought in this matter thinks just the opposite. They believe in open show of love to their children. And that is what I think is the right way, children must know their parents love them. They would find it odd that their parents love everyone else including their own parents, pets in the house, neighbors, their servants or even the mechanic that comes to repair their car sometimes but they are the only ones who do not include in the list of loved ones. Keeping you love a secret from your children could perhaps make matters as complicated as your yelling at them, it will certainly make an adverse effect on your children’s mentality. Your children must feel that they have a special place in your life.
Children need your respect
Giving children respect is like teaching them good manners. You have two ways to instruct them, one- Give them an instruction in an authoritarian manner. I can give you a few examples here as you can always say – Hey, go to bed and sleep or go and brush your teeth or take a bath immediately. But then you will keep complaining that you find it difficult to teach them manners. May I tell you that you did not make your proper attempts in this matter? It would be easier to teach them manners if you had used polite words prefixing your orders with ‘please’ or a simple ‘thank you’. How would it sound if you had used ‘Now it is time to go to bed please’ or “Would you mind going to bed please” I know you had to use few extra words while instructing your children in this manner. But it could have saved you many extra sentences that you have to use now whining about your children’s bad manners. Your children deserve that respect from you to become better citizen and at the same time, it could save people asking questions about the present generation’s bad manners. It is all in your hands.
Enjoy while you are with your children
I know not everyone can enjoy with their children but some of us even shiver at the very thought of spending time along with them. I understand your problem but while I say, enjoy with your children that does not mean that you have to do it all the time. You only have to be in good mood whenever you happen to be with them. Make sure that you have to show your best off whenever you are in their company, be it your story telling session before bedtime or an outing with them on weekends or a short visit to the park. You have to make sure that your children are your responsibility and as much part of your life as your other important works.
Forget about everything else whenever you are in the company of your children and have as much fun as you can, that will be good for both of you. Your children will like it little more and more attached with you compared to ever before. You do not have to enjoy what they enjoy by enjoying along with them but just to keep an eye on what they find most pleasurable, to keep an eye at their world with their point of view and to learn what creates problems for them or what brings boredom for them. Once you get used to understand your joys and sorrows you will find yourself nearer to them. Or should I say your children would find you nearer to themselves.
Let them know all about taking a few risks
What I feel is that we should not impose too many restrictions on children but let them take a few risks. Your children should know what is wrong and what is right for them and this should be taught to them in a proper way but the best way to learn about risks and joys is to learn them as they come. If they learn it through their real time experience, it will become a perfect teaching for them. One never knows about the pain unless he goes through it. How would you explain a child about outcome of a fall unless he would fell down? So let him fell down once to know how to balance. You have to see that they do not take bigger risks before getting fully prepared for them. But never refuse them to try for newer things on the basis that it could be a risk. You can never take a guarantee for a risk free life if you did not teach them about taking risks. Just keep a vigil and let them do it, they will learn how to come out of it.
I know that as a parent you cannot stop worrying when they climb a tree or how you can avoid worrying when they would take a cycle outdoors for that first time. You will find it more worrisome to see them take your two-wheeler being driven in your absence. Or have you ever thought what will you do when they will ask for your permission to drive your car out, all alone? This is all part of the worries when your children do something for the first time and that includes school. Yes we feel too afraid while we come back home leaving them in a play school thinking about them. But when we see them having fun with school mates, all our worries go in a moment. I have experienced it twice in last twenty-five years. While telling you about this particular topic I must caution you to not to caution your child to be extra careful while he is going out to do something for the first time. It will make him more cautious than required and the chances of committing a mistake would increase. Wish him luck in place of making him susceptible for a particular possibility that probably is your brainchild only.
Look at the things with your children’ eye
Most children have a feeling that their parents do not listen to them or take them seriously because they are too young to make any difference. They also feel that they are mostly neglected meted with inferior treatment, their feelings not taken into account in case they find themselves disturbed due our mishandling. You will feel shocked but they are right, most parents do not find their children who can contribute in anything worthwhile. There is no parent in the world who can claim that he trusts his children in such matters.
What I believe is that most children have a different point of view about life that does not match our idea at all. The fact is that we simply do not want to look at their point of view that could be right in some cases or most cases. I have another idea at this point, if we only let them sort matters their own way, probably they will understand what is right or what is wrong earlier than our expectations. There is another undisputed fact that too much of interference makes them stubborn. Anyways we should treat them with due respect and with an understanding for their views.
Make your instructions clear
I am proud to admit that when I started my career as a marketing professional, I met some very good managers who were very clear as far target setting was concerned. They always insisted on one particular point and that was to increase the targets but they never gave us, the juniors the actual figure. If we managed to increase the sales by 12%, they were happy but still wanted more. If the target achieved was 20% they were happy all right but still not satisfied. I once asked my manager about his actual expectancy and the answer opened my eyes forever. He told me that as a manager, his expectations were unlimited and they planned to pressurize their juniors as much as we succeeded because it gave them as much more hopes. So it was no clear instructions but unlimited hopes. We cannot expect the same from our children but we should tell them clearly.
We all expect our children to do certain things as per our instructions but we forget to keep our instructions to the point. That means we do not instruct our children properly about our exact expectations. To get best results, we must tell them clearly about as to what is required of them. Do not feel bad when they fail to reach your imaginary targets because you did not tell them clearly. Learning is a continues process
We all will agree that learning is continues process that goes on forever but a child should lean most things related to life by a particular age. He should learn to live his life by a certain point of age to get along comfortably without needing help of his parents. The best way to make them self depend is to let them handle their own work. Just how long can you afford to spoon-feed them so it is better to let them learn as soon as possible. I suggest that we should never do any of their works that they can handle themselves. If you think your children are capable of washing their own clothes let them wash their clothes or if they are capable of cooking, there is no harm letting them cook some times. That will help them in future.
However, what I said above is important but more important is to teach them financial and self-management. Why don’t you let them handle shopping for household. To start with, you can give them responsibility of grocery and vegetables. Let them make mistakes that will help them take right decisions in the end. I would suggest you to not to interfere unless they ask for your help, even if you know that they were about to commit big mistakes. Let them grow on their own, because uncalled for help will be of no use but would make them inefficient only. Let them learn right ways of life on their own.
Motivation for your child
Almost every child finds something or other as motivational and this happens right from a very tender age. During growing age, you will see that your children find certain items that could motivate them more than other items. It is not necessary that what you find fascinating for your children as a wonderful motivational piece make them as excited as you thought would excite them but you shall have to keep a close watch on their favorite items or features those motivate them to do better.
Some children get inspired with simple encouraging words while some others find it a big deal if you treat them like big guy instead of a child. Some children find it great if you show your trust in their capability of doing a work successfully. In other words if you treat them as responsible persons especially in front of their friends capable of doing different jobs, they find it immensely motivating. The fact remains that the same methods do not work on every child but every one has his own inspirations, which only you as a parent would know best because you have the advantage of judging them and see their reaction.
Child should know his limits
We as a parent should tell our children about their nastiness limits in clear terms. I mean we all know that children love to do things that may appear fearsome to us grownups but they would not hesitate to do such activities for the sake of fun. It is perfectly all right if they love to play but they should know the limit where they must stop. The best you can do for the safety of your children is to tell them their limits, after that they should be stopped without any hesitation and without any further concession.
You should know that children love to test their risk taking abilities. That is natural for children because in this age they see different activities through different sources. They feel like overtaking some of the heroes they see on different TV channels but you as a vigilant parent should know when is the time to say ‘no’ to their extra confidence. Once your child knows that you are watching him and not letting him go beyond a certain limit, he will feel safe as well know his limits.
Offer him rewards but no bribes please
We all will agree that parents have a bad reputation as for offering bribes to their children is concerned. We all do that when we see that our children will agree to our conditions in case they are not behaving properly in normal conditions. But what I feel is that we should pre-define the meaning of bribe in such cases. Suppose your child does not agree to go to school and you offer him a ten-rupee note for going to school, that certainly is not an ideal situation. You have no guarantee that your child will not ask for the same when you ask him to go to school tomorrow. This certainly comes in the category of bribes.
There is no guarantee as well when you offer him a gift for completing homework, cleaning their rooms or washing their clothes etc. You can offer them rewards for constantly keeping their behavior continually good instead of offering them any gifts for a particular job done. We should never consider bribing our children a good policy but we should never let it begin from the beginning. If you want to make your children good citizen always remember that money is not the best thing to motivate your children.
Treat your children firmly without nagging
I mean telling your children to do something is fine but if you begin to nag them, I am afraid it is not going to work. You simply cannot force them to do everything according to your own designs all the time. You can have two sets of sentences to get a work done, one is nearer to reason while the other shows you are nagging. For example, if you ask you child to ‘eat properly’ that is perfectly fine but if you use ‘you never eat properly’ or ‘you do not know to behave properly’ that comes under nagging tendency. I am afraid you will not be able to get a job done in your own desired way.
I don’t think we should behave with children in a nagging manner that makes them more stubborn in place of making them understand the reason behind it. It will be better to tell them in no uncertain manner to do a task, better still if you want to have a job done, give them a time frame to complete it. For instance, if you see that your children are not completing their homework you can serve them an ultimatum to finish it timely or if they failed to do it you would ban their games time. Do not hesitate to ban their games time if they do not complete their homework and stay firm on your decision, you will see that they would obey you the next time around.
Eating habits are forever
I must not tell you about eating habits for your children because every one has own eating style that is including vegetarians, non-vegetarians and vegans (Vegan is a vegetarian diet that has no eggs, meat or dairy products and all other ingredients derived from animals). You may like or not like eating green or raw vegetables, you may like to eat Chinese or Italian but that is your personal choice to select the best diet for your children.
However, whatever your children eat at this stage become a permanent habit of your children that is not easy to change. So make sure that they develop a taste for healthy eating habits which will keep them healthy for rest of their life. You must teach them that they should learn to take as much food in their plates as much they can finish because they have the option open for second helping. In short, you should teach them dietary habits those would keep them happy and diseases free. Choice is yours again, you have to decide what they eat for rest of their life.
Children should behave like child
When I say children should behave like child, I am saying that we should never pressurize them to become adult before they reach to the adult age. If you try to make him adult before he is an adult then he will lose his innocence. Let him behave normally because children learn everything during their normal behavior, normally. They might posses lacuna but these are natural for innocent children. They might get angry on small things but that is natural for children of their age but one fact was common that all children which were brought up normally turned out to become good adults. They had nothing phony about their personalities, they did not have any fake adulthood.
I think that children should be spared from being pocket edition of adults at a tender age. In fact, a child should develop into an adult with time having self confidence of facing the world without hurting anyone. I am not sure if anyone would prefer to be parent of a child who does not posses child-like behavior, a little bit of naughtiness and a twinkle in his eyes showing his joy for life. I also think that child who lives his life as a child becomes a good adult when he grows up enjoying his childhood.
You should be at his side
Now, this is one of the most important factor that will turn the tables in your favor. Your children should know that you are always with them because they need a supporter to back them up in their difficult moments. As we all know that children have to face few bully types in schools those make life of students a big problem or if your child is not finding learning easy and his teacher knows nothing about dyslexia. Even teachers behave differently if your child is lesser brilliant according to scale of a particular teacher, that is where your children need you. And if you do not stand with your child in such a situation then he will consider you with the opposition.
Your children should know that if any untoward happens with them, you are always standing with them to support them, to bring them out of all troubles. At the same time teachers and others at the school of your child should know it that if you are not one of them who makes a complaint for nothing, would take you seriously if they will find you unhappy. I have couple of personal examples against school managements that I can put here but better keep them to myself. A parent should only keep a precaution before making a complaint that he should take the school head master in confidence so that he does not take it personally or against his institute. But I have no intention in my mind to suggest that our children should not respect their teachers. They should learn to accept the rules and obey their teachers unless there is any special reason for parental interference.
Let them face the world – with courage
When I say you should teach your children to face the world with courage that certainly does not mean that they should fight with everyone and break their bones when other children try to make their fun. I only have in my mind to encourage them to become more self-confident. We all know that most bullies do it for fun’s sake and when they see the confidence level of your child, they will back out without making much problems. That confidence making will probably help them face bullies more easily.
But if your child finds a real sadistic then there are two traditional ways to tackle such persons and both are opposite of each other. One of the method says if someone hits your child, you should tell your child to hit back. This method works in most cases but the other method is to avoid a bully to discourage him. I think parents wish to believe that this method will bring better results but I for one find this method not that effective. There are reasons to believe that the opposite is right, once you retaliate in right way, problem disappears to great extent though it may arise later.
However, the secret lies in the fact that your child should look confident. He should have guts to talk to bully with a proper eye contact. Your child should know to change the topic to take the bully’s attention to another point of discussion to distract him from his intention. There is another important point to note that your child should look tidy while in school because untidy looking child becomes an easy target of a bully. So if your child looks confident and tidy the chances are that he will not become a target of a bully.
Tolerate intolerable friends of your children
I know it is perhaps one of the most difficult problems you will face while dealing with some of the friends of your children. It is hard to do but you will have to expect it against your heartiest wishes that they never existed. Probably your views about them are right that they are the ones who encourage your children to misbehave with teachers or bunk their classes or in the worst case bully your children in some cases despite being in the list of their friends. So you have nothing much to do but tolerate them.
Or, you can teach your children to choose their friends with that little bit extra care. But it is not possible to make the right choice in the first instance so they have to adapt the same old method of ‘trial and error’ but until they learn how to do it, you have to cope with the situation and still remain cool. Your children have to learn the art of making friends like other life related arts which is a continues process that will end when they will become mature and adult and by then you will have to teach and tolerate.
Conclusion - Do not forget your life partner
Now it is time to end this article and while at it I would like to remind you that your partner is the most important person in your life. But you think too little about your love life once you go the family ways. And that is natural because then your priorities change to a different level because you get lot lesser time for those very activities which used to be your only priorities. Your children are your responsibility because you decide to give them birth but it is not so with your partner so keep them in mind forever.
I think your partner should be the most important person in your life because they will always be with you even after your children leave to spend their life in their own way. You should spend some quality time with your partner to keep your relations healthy and warm because your partner is more important than your children are at least I feel it this way and more so at this stage. Your children will accuse you for something or other despite you best care but your partner will always look at your for your support and love.
photo - my own camera work
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