Bouncing back from Adversity
Could you Bounce back?
Have you ever noticed how some people are able to emerge from a soul shattering personal crisis stronger and much more capable than they were before? In fact one can go as far as saying that adversity has made them stronger and self confident ready to face any kind of challenges that life throws at them.
Mr X ,a retired mining engineer is a perfect example of this phenomenon.He was just twelve years old when both his parents were killed in an accident that left him an orphan. According to him, he was so numbed by grief and finally when he did begin to understand what had happened and also began to realise the enormity of the situation, he felt that he was somehow responsible for their death and if he had shown care and love and been more responsible the tragedy could have been averted, little realising that he was going through a typical stage of teen troubles at that time which was perfectly normal.
As the years passed Mr X managed to transform this tragedy into an oddly positive experience for himself. He refused to take on the role of a poor little orphaned boy, struggling to keep his life sane, by putting himself through school , then a mining college against many odds, working night shifts in coalmines and working hard during the day.Memory of his late parents kept inspiring him to do his best. It was not at all easy for him to recover from the loss and also escape the chaos of being shunted from relative to relative all through those days of struggle.But Mr X developed such resilience that all he could see was success at the end and leaping all the hurdles that were placed in front of him became challenge for him.It made him tough and also gave him a kind of bounceability which is what is important in life!
What is Bounceability?
A simple question - How does a ball bounce even higher when dropped at the same height on different floor surfaces ? This amazing rebound spirit is what fuels some people to emerge from a personal tragedy or disaster like critical illness, an accident, the loss of loved ones, even a difficult breakup , with strength they did not know they ever had. Way back I remember one of my aunt saying that people give out their best when they are cornered and have nothing more to lose.They come up with innovative ways to recover lost ground which probably would never have occurred to them if life went on smoothly.
Bounceability is a potent cocktail of courage,resilience and humor all of which can transform a person on the verge of a breakdown into a capable, confident and a self sufficient individual ready to get on with his life.The beauty of this particular ability is that the emotional immunity you derive from one ordeal makes you better prepared to survive the next ! One should remember that the road to resilience does not always require a detour through hell. You can acquire elements of being able to bounce back in life without having to endure great loss and in fact most analysts are of the opinion that we all should have this quality within us.
When we hear of heart warming stories like that of Mr X , it spurs us on to make things better for ourselves instead of stagnating and leading a boring life day in and day out. These lessons from people who have acquired the key ingredients of resilience make others feel positive and give out their best.When life leaves one flattened in the middle of the road, one has to have the emotional strength to dust oneself and hail a cab or an auto!
Adversities can teach you a thing or two
Most people who bounce back know that adversities have taught them a thing or two in life. i am quoting another real life example here of a brave young woman who had fight odds - Mrs A did not have any high expectations of herself a decade ago when her husband got involved with another woman and moved out of her life, leaving her pregnant with her second child. People kept throwing barbs and taunts at her, some even asking her to compromise with her husband , even accept the second woman in his life because she was in no position fend for herself and the two children. While she was coming to terms with her personal feeling of loss and betrayal, her husband was killed with the woman in a car accident, leaving her completely alone.Even the illusion of a safety net disappeared and there were no choices left.
Knowing that she was all alone and had to take care of herself and her children prompted Mrs A analyse all that was there in front of her.She got some support from her ageing parents , but they were middle class pensioners not able to do much except probably look after her children. She took up small jobs and also doing a BEd course in an evening college, that helped her get a teaching job. Today she is a teacher, happily married to a co teacher , a widower with no issues and also lending support to her ageing parents by taking care of their needs. According to her - there was no choice left for her and she had to be strong and once she realised that fact, her whole perception of life changed and she had to defy the odds to provide for herself and her children. Resilience is what made her face adversities and come out a winner. She now knows that if her life ever turned upside down again she will have the strength to right it and bounce back.
We have the capacity
Faced with disaster any of us can discover a new strength within ourselves. after all if we are stranded on a deserted road with a flat tyre, we will try to see if we can change the tyre ourselves since there is no other go. Psychologists say that if you can get through one setback and remain intact, you will have the ability to bounce back from all sorts of other things as well. If you think that you have not suffered enough yet to have faith in your rebound skill , think back on your past tragedies, we all have some even if it is the end of your first serious crush when you were in college, or when you did not get selected for a course because you din't score enough marks etc...The incidents then left you with a feeling that you cannot go on, but after six months you were actually making eye contact with someone else or were studying another vocational course which actually was more suited to your temperament .
Knowing you have the capacity for even that small recovery should empower you to take more risks. In Mrs A's case ,we see that she did not declare a moratorium on any future relationships after the failure of her first marriage and the widowhood thereafter. This is because she was secure in the knowledge that she could bounce back with time, so she was able to open up to a new person in her life and accept him as her life partner.
Surviving a major tragedy can also give you an indispensable sense of perspective as far as the direction of your life is concerned. According to some studies, air crash survivors were seen to have lower levels of anxiety and stress than do frequent fliers who have never experienced such a traumatic event. The reason being that after you have survived a plane crash,losing a job or going through a divorce does not feel like such a life and death affair.
Keeping Your Eye on the Goal is Important
When individuals witness multiple personal tragedies ( they have a way of coming all at the same time throwing even the most courageous people off balance) they either collapse completely or bounce back with such strength that they become successful in life - this is what most researchers feel. A traumatic time in our life also has the ability to test our courage and capacity to redraw our life and ambitions and set new goals for ourselves and also achieve them.
No doubt that life can be very tough but when you look back it doesn't scare you any more instead you feel happy to see that you have got over it and are doing reasonably well for yourself. According to many psycho-analysts a technique called Compartmentalizing helps when you have to achieve goals going against the adversities in life. When you have seen the bottom of the barrel, what more fears can life hold for you ? None of the problems faced by you today can come anywhere close to what you saw in the past. When we file away all the tragedies in a different part of our brain filing it away for future reference , it becomes a positive experience that helps us draw strength from these various past tragedies.
Keeping a tight focus on our goals can serve us well even if our problems are not as monumental as it was before. Surveying all our obstacles at once can be a dizzying experience , instead it is wiser to approach a series of challenges the way you would a shopping expedition in a large department store or a shopping mall would help.we cannot look at food,clothes and electronics all at the same time, and we do it one at a time. Similarly in a time of crisis, it may not be easy to sort your issues into net categories but trying to focus at them, one at a time and dealing with them may help you cope better. Once you practice this skill of not losing focus at any time and have your eyes firmly on your goal you will be able to face any adversities or obstacles that come your way.
No time for self pity
Most bouncers know that it is no fun having a pity party that is constantly trying to bring you down instead of helping you stand up and start running towards your goal.Every person going through a hard time should feel free to grieve, even curl up and have a good cry ( it is the healthiest way to come to terms with your grief).The key to bouncing back in life allowing yourself that time and then knowing that you you are going to come to terms with your grief.It makes sense, if you were faced with a tragedy, you wouldn't want to sit back and think Why did this happen to me ? What did I do to deserve this ?Instead , the best way to deal with the situation is to make every effort to get out and do it as fast as you can.
There are some people who suffer from life threatening illness and need constant medication and nursing care but that does not stop them from doing what is within their range and making a success out of it. This happens because of the focus and single minded determination they have towards their goal. Their perspective changes and what is bad for normal people like us takes on a whole different meaning for them since they have seen worse. Minor upsets would have little effect on them and the fact that their life is threatened makes them, in cases daring! A person I knew , faced with similar tragedy said that he views his whole trauma as part of the great furious mess in his life! One can only salute such resilience and strength of character !
However, there are cases where some after facing such intense trauma later suffer from depression. Some research suggests the existence of flip side of the experience, post traumatic which is , the negative experience that they faced, can lead them to an enhanced sense of well being. Part of that well being may come from refusing to sink deep into self pity over life’s little annoyances – a habit which in turn protects you in the future. Learning not to over think your minor problems or to blame yourself for them, will serve you in good stead when a major problem comes along in your life.
Being Positive always helps
According to psychologists , those who choose to interpret the negative events in their lives in terms of positive sequences have higher levels of success and satisfaction. Think about the worst time in your life and see how you view it ? as a black mark, your lowest moment or do you tend to see it as a point of life from where you bounced back into something better. You can start your own road to resilience by viewing life’s smaller bumps like a traffic jam, missed flight, the job you dint get as opportunities to cultivate your coping skills. Learning to navigate yourself out of some of life’s irksome obstacles without losing your cool helps you store up your strength for problems that require a lot more courage.
If you made a habit of seeing yourself as a powerful force in your life instead of a sad suffering soul, chances are that you will be a powerful soul when tragedy strikes and circumstances turn ugly!
It also helps to have a support system consisting of family members, relatives and friends who give you support and cushion the most jarring jolts. Resilience depends on creating a life in which you are surrounded by positive forces. If you work on developing your inner strength and self esteem, you will recover far more quickly from difficult times.
When those tough times come for you, bounceability will always be there in you like a safety net, woven from threads that you sewed ready to catch you as you plummeted, to buoy you swiftly back up in the clouds where you rightly belong.
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