Cyber widows – the new technical term
“I often desire that let him shout at me at least. What to do if he never responds to my talks? A woman can tolerate everything, but she can’t tolerate insult and loneliness. It’s really difficult to live under one roof as strangers” – these words were told by a lady during counseling. Her husband is an IT engineer in a multi-national company. It’s not the case of a single lady or two. Many ladies among us in our society are living as cyber widows, whose husbands are addicted to cyber world. “Both of us are working. Earlier we used to go to office together. Later he told me that he can’t wait for me for a long time and so, I bought a new car. Talks are rare inside the home. We leave home at 9 am and reach at 6 pm. He sits before his laptop after reaching home, online shopping, face book, chat room or something else. Once I send a face book request to his profile thinking I will get at least a little consideration. But he denied my request saying I am observing him. How can I live with a person who doesn’t even care to communicate with me?” she continued. “He doesn’t offer any helping hand, even for helping kids in their homework. Full night he chats with his online friends and sleeps at early morning. I don’t want to live a widow’s life when my husband is alive. Better we part through divorce”.
“No one understands me. If I say my husband is a drink addict, they will understand me. All are trying to comfort me saying he is at home always. So, don’t worry. But I can’t tolerate it anymore”. In the 30% divorce cases happened in Kerala in the past 5 years has only one reason – cyber addicts, either husband or wife. When husband finds happiness in traveling through virtual world wife tastes the bitter loneliness. Most of such husbands are not willing to talk to their wives after returning home or going out for a small shopping at least once in a week. Such married women can be called as ‘cyber widows’ I technical terms. Statistics can point out only those cases that are reported. But in true sense, many wives are living in families silently tolerating everything.
Without sparing a moment to talk to their dear ones, youths are interested in updating status of face book. If mobile switches off for a moment or internet connection is disconnected for an hour, such persons appear as if they are not getting oxygen to breathe. Cyber crimes are increasing day by day. Similarly cyber addicts are also increasing in number.
Those searching links
Now it’s possible to find an old school friend or a stranger at railway station through face book and other social networking sites. They are the living homes of many people at night. It’s the safe shelter for extra-marital affairs too. A relationship starts from ‘A like or a comment’ of face book and it reaches phone call and direct meeting very soon. It may often result in phone sex or development of a new relationship. Even after knowing everything some housewives keep quiet thinking about their kids and family. Such cyber widows spend the rest of their lives within four walls as if they are abandoned in an isolated island surrounded by seas.
Such cyber addicts are celebrating the cyber world in their own way with full pleasure and in only a few cases only, wives come forward with divorce notice. If we hear the stories of such cyber widows, most of them are just unbelievable. They are heart-breaking stories.
Let me tell you another live incident. “We married 15 years ago and he is doing business. We have two kids, both studying in school. He bought a laptop 3 years back. Even if he is a busy person, he avoids late mobile calls to spare more time for the family. Both my husband and kids use net connection and I am not interested in such things. We own a personal computer too. He bought a laptop saying it will be useful for kids’ studies. But he never allows them to touch it. One night when I entered the room, he was voice chatting with a lady with his laptop. The scene I saw in laptop screen, no wife will tolerate it. I thought my life has entered a dark corridor within a fraction of seconds. Though I thought of breaking the laptop, I gave it back thinking kids will wake up. Though I tried to make believe my parents, no one believes me. They are believing his words that I am suspicious.”
Control Z can’t undo the mistake in married life
If it’s the case of a computer action, control + Z keys can restore the previous condition if it’s not saved. But if faith is lost in a marriage relationship, it can’t be restored with any keys. The moment she identifies that she is alone and that she is betrayed, she won’t tolerate it. Social media and internet are responsible for such cases.
A designer of a private company was a knowledge addict. He won’t believe anything unless he got that data from google. For every piece of information he gets, he searches google to confirm that it is correct. Even if it’s a useless topic, he spends a lot of time to know more details about it. When he married a girl of the same company, his google addiction destroyed their sexual relationship and very soon, she filed a divorce. Cyber addiction is similar to smoking and drinking addiction, but gives complex mental problems. Later, psychiatrist had to strive a lot to take him out of that cyber world. Perhaps the love for his wife that was kept in his mind prompted him to go to psychiatrist for a sitting.
Women should be vigilant
Responses can make such husbands more violent. They may even take revenge. Most recently an IT Engineer took some naked photos of his wife and uploaded in net in respond to her response. When things go out of hands and wife files a divorce notice, husbands show their true colour. He may take revenge by uploading such photos taken a few years back. So, ladies take care. Such cases are frequently reported nowadays.
Man is machine now
Find more time for communication. That’s the only precaution that can be taken in such cases. If cyber addiction reaches the second stage, it needs treatment. If a person finds more happiness in virtual relationship of an online friend than the sexual relationship with his wife, he is mentally sick and needs treatment.
Now man is finding more pleasure in machines than relationships. Cyber addicts worsen such relationships more. A person may have 5000 face book friends, but not even a single neighbour for a help. He never speaks to his neighbours. Virtual relationships are giving such bad effects to the society.
Virtual world gives a special pleasure. Some persons may not communicate with others easily; he may feel reluctant in dealing with ladies. Such a person can communicate with an online friend freely. Very often, we can’t assure what information that we are getting through a chat may not be 100% correct. We can’t guarantee even 1% truth in it.
This case is really interesting. “We were lovers for four years before tying the knot. Before marriage, we kept same passwords for our mails. Now he says, he wants another pass word as he wants privacy. What privacy should he need from his wife?” asks wife. Common password is an assurance of trust like a marriage ring. It’s a nice idea to keep the relationship green and faithful.
How to recognize a cyber addict?
Are you spending more than one hour in social networking sites everyday for non-official purposes? If so, take care. You can cross that red danger line any moment. Such addictions affect marriage life a lot. 1/5th of divorces in India are occurring due to this reason. Keep an eye on your life partner so that you can correct it in the first stage itself. Following changes are most common in all cyber addicts.
Changing sleeping time: if your partner is using net late night or has changed the daily sleeping timetable, you can suspect. If he tries to fix computer or laptop in private places, have an eye on him.
Saying repeatedly, “I want privacy”: He feels ‘Now am insecure’. So, he demands privacy frequently. When someone is doing a mistake, he has a fear of being caught. He may dislike the actions if his wife checks his mobile or laptop. Never observe him as if you are suspicious. Instead do it freely.
Telling lies: Telling lies even for silly things should be discouraged by the life partner. Such small lies can change to big mistakes anytime. Couples should be able to communicate each other freely. Then only faith and love stay there.
Changes in behaviour: You may be surprised seeing his recent changes. When he is doing an emotional communication through another channel he may not be able to maintain the same freshness in relationship and communication with family members as before. He may escape from their eyes saying ‘busy with office work’ or ‘am tired now’. Try to communicate openly at this stage. If it doesn’t work, consult a counselor.
so, let me conclude
Now, we can't even think about a world without technology or use of internet. But every coin has a bad side too. It's not easy to keep ourselves away from internet and its uses. Social networking sites are just for recreation. Never make it a part of your life if you want peace and love in your family. Never hide anything from your life partner. If yoiu can freely use them in front of your life partner, I am sure 99% of such problems will be solved for sure. Trust and love your family than your online friends, it's the basic manthra of a successful life.
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