Anyone Courting or Dating ?
What does the term courtship and dating mean ?
Dating is a word now being used very commonly even in India although this was frowned upon two decades ago. Youngsters do go out together in groups or courting couple go out by themselves and we say that the couple is dating ! It may not be the kind of dating that was seen and practiced in the good old days in the western countries , but times and things have changed, so we have to accept what is prevalent now ! Dating and courting customs have their roots in the Western culture where it began a few centuries ago.
However, one does wonder as to what courting and dating was like a century ago? It would be interesting to get a historical insight regarding arranged marriage practices that prevailed during those days , courting and also how the current dating practices evolved.
Apparently there was a lot of planning, supervised outings, amiable family dinners and exchange between the elders of the two families before the couple were allowed to take walks in the park , have conversation in a parlor or a tea houses . In short, the process of courting had begun with the approval and consent of the elders.
Once the couple began courting which is the first step towards an appropriate one-on-one dating , the couple were given opportunities to be together ( with the knowledge and consent of the family) to get to know one another better , also discuss about their personal interests and their personalities, interests , hobbies and so forth, before they made a more serious decision regarding marriage and life together. There was no question of ever going beyond the limits laid down by the norms of the society and also by their respective families who took all the major decisions .
History of dating
If we were to take a look at the the history of dating, as I wrote earlier it began with courtship , which in itself developed in a variety of ways from the traditional arranged marriages that became prevalent during the growth of civilisation of human history. To court those days meant to woo a girl (meaning make advance towards someone you love and are attracted to ,with marriage in mind) and get to know the person without any secrecy about it as it often happens in our society where the youngsters do not have the courage to boldly go about courting or dating.
In the good old times dating began sometimes very early , with 13 year old girls and slightly older boys, courted , dated and also sat down to discuss their marriage plans.That was a common reality of those days . .Since the entire family and often extended family was involved courting was a serious business those days and often the main players in the dating process were not just the bride and groom, but the parents of the bride and groom. as well, who took interest in every single outing and meeting the young couple had.
Courting if we see is actually rooted in the era of arranged marriages in the western countries and the couple and their feelings played an important role and they had to choice of either continuing with the courtship or sometimes even call it off if things dint work out . The whole process was encouraged and followed step by step by the two families concerned since the marriage also brings together the two families as well as two young people in love.
A few Courtship customs and tokens of love
These were some of the very interesting old customs that were prevalent during the 17th century in Europe and other western countries and some of the customs are still being folowed in many eatsern European countries that are still very traditional in their outlook !
- Apparently in Norway when a girl came of age the girl wore an empty sheath on her belt. If and when a young man liked the girl, he would put a knife in the sheath and if the girl too reciprocated the feelings , she would wear it as a sign that she was betrothed or taken !
- The custom of bundling is something that is referred to in many classic story books .This custom was found in many parts of 16th and 17th century Europe and America. The courting couple were allowed to share a bed, fully clothed ( in finery) with a "bundling board" between them . The idea was to give the couple a chance to get to know each other but in the safe confines of the girl's house with the elders keeping a watch over the proceeding.
- In old England the young man who was smitten by a young lady often sent a pair of gloves to her and if the woman wore the gloves to the church on a Sunday it meant that she too liked him and had accepted his proposal.
- In Wales during the 17th century a custom prevailed when ornately carved spoons were presented to the girl by the boy who loved her.The love-spoons as they were called were traditionally made from a single piece of wood and carved out by the suitor with some romantic messages to show love and affection to his loved one.
- Like we have arranged love marriages now , such a practice was prevalent in the Northern European Jewish communities. Until the 20th century although families arranged marriages between the couple, love of the two young people was a prominent factor. It was only after the two youngsters confessed their blossoming love to the elders, having seen each other normally at family gatherings and weddings, that the elders would step in and take over.The couple were then allowed to converse in the presence of the elders after which the marriage date is finalised.
- The lady was always expected to be a little subdued without being too outgoing whereas the young man was expected to take the intiative with regard to meeting places and other preferences - those days the gender divide was very marked.
How did the custom develop ?
Initially the custom of dating started after the young man and a young woman were betrothed , many a times meeting each other for the first time.The betrothal consisted of an announcement, exchange of rings, a ceremonial kiss and a meal. After the betrothal a few weeks or a few months were spent in courting or dating. Through courting and dating the couple became acquaintances and later friends, gaining mutual respect and love that would sustain them through their married life.
Victorian Times - In the 1800s dating and courting as a custom began to Blossom especially with the wealthy people in Britain and the United States . The Industrial Revolution was also helpful in providing the upper and middle classes with such luxuries as spare time for leisure activities like courting and fun filled activities such as picnics and group activities for the youngsters and the ladies .
During these times people devoted more time and money towards courting and dating, and the smart business people began to cash in on this trend. The Victorian era saw a many books in the market that dealt with every element of courtship and dating. A young man or lady could even buy books full of sweet nothings that they could whisper to their loved ones when they felt the need to do so !
Modern times
When we look at things now, the finesse has gone to be replaced by an accelerated activity that is more like a lucrative enterprise that can prey on young people. There are of course now thousands of books on the dating process, but the question is are they beneficial ? Our life is now defined by the pursuit of goals and luxury and the young men and women have the opportunity earn and be financially independent before marriage. So the old world charm of courting and dating has taken a back seat to be replaced by something more practical where the youngsters look for their partners based on their own choices depending on what their own status in life is ..
Many youngsters these days don’t know the real thing about the dating game. They don't even know how to talk to a specific person and connect with them . They just think that they have to go from person to person ( of the opposite sex) and do the best they can...many a times dating begins with a lie and pretence and when it is carried through for a long period of time it adds stress and most of the time unpleasantness when the truth is revealed !
The new era of consumerism and a changed lifestyle has affected the dating/courting process .Young people have much more freedom to court, develop friendships with people from the opposite sex and make their own choices, especially in the western countries where there is no question of parents having any say in the matter now !
With this absolute freedom there is also a lack of self control and a general decline in the moral values in the society. However, things have not changed much in India where youngsters still prefer to take the advice of their elders before selecting a life partner for themselves all though they might court and date others before they decide to get married. Goes round in circles According to some sociologists many western societies are taking a second look at old fashioned courting which some feel can steady the modern day youngsters .They also feel that a natural group outing where both boys and girls are involved is less stressful and has lesser emotional attachments. Such outings give enough time for youngsters to chat and get to know one another and compare personalities.
A date in modern day vocabulary is normally approached by many people with a wrong attitude without actually analysing it , ( more as an experimental measure to satisfy their curiosity ) sometimes can become reckless and dangerous, while courting according to old times was clear about what was aimed at - marriage.
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