Old age homes – Is it because kids are going far away from their parents?
Now hot debate is going on about the bubbling of old age homes more frequently. It’s true, old age homes have increased considerably since independence. All social activists blame new generation for this condition saying they are fully responsible for it. Is it true always? Through this article, let us see the opposite side of the same coin to know if we can find any new data.
I agree when parents become old it’s their children’s duty to look after them. In many cases though parents are being thrown to such help age homes children spend a lot of money for it. So money is not the main problem for such a condition, particularly if family’s financial condition is sound. Then what’s the real problem? 90% of such conditions occur due to the indifferences between parents and their kids. It happens due to the absence of love between these two generations. Let us forget all other facts for a little while that may lead such cases and solely concentrate on the parent-child bad relationship that may lead to such old age homes in future.
Let me tell the simple story of a family of three children
Both the parents in this story are government employees. They were school teachers with good salary. Due to job pressure and behaviourial defects, both were not able to love their kids. Those three kids brought up without proper care and love had defects in character and behaviour when they were grown up.
They were given severe punishments even for silly mistakes and gradually, these three moved far away from parents. Of those three boys, first one was punished most without even hearing his words. He was most sensitive among those three who sincerity desired his parents’ love a lot. But all through his life, he didn’t receive it. He has a small age gap from his younger brothers and he slowly moved away from them. His younger brothers got lesser punishments comparing him; that may be the reason for this drift.
As those three kids were brought up giving scoldings only they didn’t understand the primary lessons of love which later reflected in their family life too. They were grown up without any emotional attachment to anyone. After retirement, a change occurred in the behaviour of parents and they started behaving well to their kids. But it was too late in the case of elder kid. He got married and when he got a loving wife, he forgot his family, parents and brothers. As he was a little emotional among these three, that lady could easily bind him towards her and her family. When the next two children began to get that lost ‘parenting love’ from their parents, they forgot everything and started loving their parents in return. But it showed bad effects in their married love since they were not able to love their wives the same way as parents. Those two girls became lonely in their married life and when their husbands show less interest in their wives and gave more preference to their parents, situations often result in outbursts.
Kids should be given proper love and care from the time of birth itself. Then only they will learn the primary lessons of love and their character will improve showing emotional balance. Otherwise they won’t learn how to love others. Being strict and bringing up kids in extra discipline may help kids to develop as good citizens. But what they lack is emotional intelligence and emotions that normal persons feel towards others. They will be able to keep only formal relations with society, relatives and even spouse.
Can such kids love their parents in future? In the above example, before parents learnt how to love their kids the first boy was out of their lap. That’s the reason why he didn’t get attached to his parents ever again. Picture of his parents in his mind is - cruel, arrogant and extra strict people. Parents didn’t get enough time to correct the mistake in the case of first kid. When it was done in the case of next two kids, it became extravagant. Thus, when those sons turned husbands they were not able to love their wives as they were bounded in the chains of parents’ love and care. When wives didn’t get support from their husbands in any family matter, they were thrown to dark continents of loneliness.
Both these cases could have been avoided if parents had learnt simple parenting tips soon after the birth of their first kid. When they taught the whole world lessons of book, they forgot themselves to learn lessons of love and were a total defeat in passing those good emotional values to their kids. Through proper education and discipline though they were able to make them earn well and behave well in the society, their sons became total failure in valuing human relationships and understanding the true meanings of love, relationships and family bindings.
Society begins at home
Society is a union of a lot of families. Families form when individuals bind together through marriages and birth of children. If one needs to love his neighbour, he should learn those lessons from his family. For that, a child should be taught those lessons of love and family values by his own parents. Parents pass knowledge to next generation that they acquire from their parents, ancestors and surroundings. Thus the chain is continuous and if such a link is broken, it will surely affect society, social values and relationships. Most of such social relationship problems occur due to the absence or breakage of certain links.
Those parent- daughter-in-law indifferences may lead to old home shelters
If parent-kid relationship is strong, kids won’t leave their parents alone in their old age though we can see a few exceptions. They will bring the best things for their parents. As I have told earlier money is not the main problem behind dumping parents in old age homes, but it’s due to the lack of love and adjustment. Generation gap gives a lot of reasons for conflicts and those indifferences often lack love and adjustments from both ends. When such things fail, kids feel that ‘for peace, it’s better to send them to old age homes’. If so whom can we blame?
If parents ill-threat daughter-in-laws, it deeply reflects in the family atmosphere too. So, instead of forming a new and healthy relationship it breaks every time. If parents are able to see daughters in their daughter-in-laws, it’s sure in 75% cases girls will give that love back. Who exists in the world who says, “I don’t want love”? Parents when try to scold their daughter-in-laws as daughters but become misers in giving them a daughter’s love, such ill-treatments and bad behaviour creates hatred in the minds of daughter-in-law.
In future, when parents become older and weaker, daughter-in-law won’t support them if her husband takes them to an old age home. In most cases, she will try her level best to do that bad deed a little bit earlier. But if she has been given a little care, love and affection, perhaps she will stand with her in-laws. I am not saying it’s applicable in 99.99% cases. There is possibility of such occurrences too.
When in-laws treat her badly, actually they are ignoring the deserved love, care, help and shelter that she can provide in future when time arrives. To such in-laws, let me ask a simple question, “Why can’t you treat her as your daughter? Even if your son forgets you, she will give you her heart and blood when you really need both!”
It’s not the case of in-law indifferences only. The mental conflicts and differences between parents and kids can also lead to such a situation. So, adjustments are needed from both sides.
So, what are its solutions? Let me give you three mantras
A single hand can’t make a louder noise always. Problems become worse when neither of the persons try to do some adjustments. Primary lessons of kids are learnt through parents. They see role models in their parents. Parents should treat grand parents in a better way. Then only kids will learn good lessons through observing his parents. When his kid mind sees such conflicts, it stays in his mind forever and when his parents become old, he may treat them the same way his parents have done to his grand parents thinking, “I am not at all wrong.” So kids have learnt through mistakes that his parents had committed once. So, where is the fault?
Next important thing is – give proper love and care to your kid so that you can expect the same thing from him years back. Teach him lessons of love, adjustments and importance of relationships in life. Teach him how to respect relations. Implement such lessons in your life so that your kid can learn it easily through observation. If so, such good lessons will remain in his mind forever and he won’t forget the value of relations easily.
Money is less important comparing relationship. Teach him this way so that he values relations and develops a soft heart to see love and emotions of his dear ones. If so, he won’t give importance to money first and thus keeps relations intact. Money is the necessary evil that is strong enough to kill the relationship too.
If parents are able to keep these mantras in mind and act according to that, wrong messages won’t be passed to the next generation through them. Let us all dream about a day where old age homes become ‘endangered species’ of our country and kids always stay with their parents during their helpless age with all helps they can provide. I know well, all dreams won’t become true always. Yet, let parents do their part best and wait for the better results! After all, they give everything they can to the next generations before they leave the world! Though they give everything, they never express it or say so and things go out of their hands when kids misunderstand them. It’s a matter of debate and let it continue till a feasible solution is reached. Let us hope for the best!
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