Language of love – start learning today itself!
You might have watched many movies where hero and heroine try to communicate each other in different languages; a common language not known for both. Though they try sincerely to tell what they carry in their minds, many spaces may remain blank due to the non-understanding of the meaning of a few words. So, it’s clear both the persons need to communicate in a common language to avoid much confusion later. If speaker is French and listener an Italian how can they communicate freely? Like spoken language, love is also a language where two hearts speaks and hears in the same amplitude, which may appear as a coded language to a third person. There lies the success of a love relationship.
In many families, it’s not the lack of love or expressions that cause problems and tensions. Very often the love is left gone without understanding. As we speak in different languages same is the case of love too. We can speak and express love in a lot of languages and a married life becomes successful only if both the persons communicate in the same language; at least one need to know what’s the other person speaking.
A person starts learning language of love from the atmosphere where he is brought up. So in most cases, both the persons will speak in an entirely different language of love. So, each will try to express their love in their own language. If the other person is not able to understand it, it will result only in doubts, tensions and blaming. There begins the problems of family life.
Basically there are 5 languages for love. Those 5 paths provide 5 different ways to express and identify love of his/her spouse. Each language has distinct pronunciation as well. So, it’s most important to know the language of love of his/her life partner. It’s the first success mantra for a happy married life. Assuring words, quality time, gifts, touch and service are those 5 languages of love. If you are successful to find in which language your partner gives you his love lesson it’s half done. Through this article, let me explain each with the help of a few examples.
Assuring words – the first language of love
“Someone needs to appreciate me for a single good deed. It’s enough for me to move forward for next 2 months” – told Mark Twin once. It implies that 6 good words is enough for a whole year. It’s applicable in the case of marriage life. Your spouse may desire those words of appreciation or comfort from you. Are you giving it?
“This new shirt suits you a lot”, “When you applied me balm I am feeling relief”, “Thank you for helping me to keep room tidy”, “Your chicken curry was nice” – if you say such words from the bottom of your heart with sincerity, listener receives it as positive energy. It’s nothing but innocent expression of love in a simple language. Keep it simple to express.
Let me give you a simple example. Raj was complaining to psychologist about his wife during counseling, “She never hears my words. Whenever I ask her to go to open house of school along with our son she gives 100 excuses. When I asked her to orderly arrange things in almarah she asked me, why I can’t do it. Now she pays less interest in household activities.” When psychiatrist asked him whether she does the entire household activities husband couldn’t deny the fact that she prepares food, clean the house and courtyard and washes their clothes. But when asked if he appreciate her for her work, he replied, “What’s its need? It’s her duty”. Psychologist could easily identify the wall that existed between the two. He suggested him not to ask her about the open house and also asked him to appreciate her for her efforts in the household. Raj agreed unwillingly. After two weeks the psychologist received a phone from Raj to thank him. Raj said that she has gone for open house in his son’s school and even orderly arranged things in the almarah. Those words of appreciation proved to be the magic medicine that dissolved all those indifferences existed between the couple.
This example doesn’t mean apply the principles of flattering in a relationship for the selfish benefits of ours. It’s just an expression of love in the form of words and appreciation. When this love is recognized from the other end it’s returned back in its own means – this example conveys this message.
Encourage = give courage. Many people stay in the back foot for a fear factor or starting trouble. A genius may be hidden in their sleeping thoughts. A simple touch or word of courage is sufficient to bring those sleeping talents to action. Perhaps he/she had been waiting for a single word of support from yours. A marriage stays alive only if it’s given mutual support, comfort and a lovely piece of appreciation. Very soon you will surely witness the new face of your life partner and feel proud of yourself.
Words should never reflect orders or strict instructions. Never wear the coat of a parent and see your spouse as your obedient kid. When husband says, “This oven was bought one year ago and never made of it. You should prepare a cake for me when I return in the evening”, he takes the role of a strict parent. But if he says, “Days have passed since I tasted your cake”, she will surely make it for you in the evening.
Quality time – The second path to show love
Sam was on official tour for 3 weeks in Mumbai. When he returned he bought her a lovely and costly churidar of latest fashion. Within 15 minutes he received a phone from office and he left the home giving that lovely churidar to her. After solving the problems at office he returned home at sharp 9pm. That gift is still unwrapped and breakfast and lunch was placed on the dining table. Annie was lying in the bedroom. Her eyes were filled with tears. When he tried to comfort her, she burst out like a balloon, “Do you love me? I have been waiting for your return for the past two weeks. As soon as you reached here you went to the office. It’s better you stay at office itself.” Poor husband! He took a lot of time in the busy streets of Mumbai to choose a dress for her. It’s only because of his love towards her. But his wife is asking, ‘Do you love me?’
What happened in this case? Sam tried to express his love through an expensive churidar. But Annie couldn’t understand that language of love because according to her, quality time is the expression of her love language. It’s not the time spending together watching television or going out for a shopping. It’s the indivisible time exclusively given for spouse. Though couples can go together for a walk or enjoy a game while enjoying each other’s presence it doesn’t mean that that particular time is dedicated for doing some task or household activities.
“While I lay on bed he sits beside me with his laptop. He is interested in browsing and chatting with his online friends. Once in a while he used to talk to me in one or two words. I used to reply first. But nowadays I ignore his questions while he is busy with his laptop.” Yes, sitting together or spending together doesn’t mean they both communicate each other effectively or love each other. One should able to know the pulse hidden behind his/her life partner’s emotions and communicate according to it. Also while communicating give those moments entirely for that person. “My husband doesn’t talk to me nowadays”. If a wife complains so it doesn’t mean there is no communication between those two. It shows the absence of quality time.
Let me quote another example; a real life incident of a working lady who tried to share a problem occurred at her office with her husband. When she reached half the intelligent husband who was a management consultant could easily find the root cause of the problem. He replied that he has handled similar situations at his office and provided her a feasible solution. But wife was not satisfied with his answer because what she expected from him was not the solution to the problem, but a shoulder for support and comfort. When a wife expects a sincere heart to hear her problems if she gets a solution in return instead of a hearing heart, a crack has already occurred in the relationship. Even if her husband is intelligent and proficient in handling such situations as a management expeort he gets zero marks in his knowledge of keeping up a marriage relationship.
A recent study says that we are losing the patience to hear a stranger and its duration is maximum 17 seconds. Before those 17 seconds we will surely become impatient and try to interrupt his words by our own means. But we should be patient in hearing our partner’s words even if it extends a little bit. If such a conversation has occurred in the quality time and if you are busy with some other activity, instead of keeping quiet or bursting out just tell your partner, “Let me complete this job first. Then we shall discuss the matter with patience. Never forget to tell me everything.” When you show interest in hearing his/her problems, he/she will surely feel light. Even if you two never discuss that matter again, it may not cause a trouble later because a willing mind is better than those hearing ears.
Gifts – The third way to show feelings and love
All other expressions of love can only be felt, never seen. It’s not the case of gifts. They are visualizations of love expressions and of course, an important language spoken by love. We never buy gifts without thoughts of that person. So gifts prove that we have remembered that person at least for a while and they are proofs. Gifts are just reflections of those thoughts and feelings. So, it’s value can’t be measured but only be treasured. When love is being expressed in the form of such gifts giving less importance to its price, we are just refreshing our relationship and binding it once again tighter. For those persons who recognize gifts as language of love, they treasure it most irrespective of its purchase cost. Even a simple rose from garden if presented with love will be well appreciated by such people. Gifts can be bought from a shop or made by our own hands with effort. In the second case our effort is the real value of that gift.
Now let me give an example in this case. Priya loves flowers and gardens a lot and whenever she sees a flower of a new species she just stands still and watches it for a while. She has the hobby of gardening and has a lovely flower garden in her courtyard. Once her husband returned with a rare flower plant and gifted it to her. It was nothing but a wild plant that was seen on the way. But when he found that it’s rare he stopped the car to pluck it for his wife. Though it was a wild plant that costs zero price, it was a great gift in Priya’s eyes. When her husband gifted her its price doubled.
“I don’t have the habit of giving gifts. No one has given me gifts nor did I gift someone.” A few years back when he confessed this matter to his wife he made a great discovery of her strange interests. It was the moment when both identified that their languages of love are entirely different and when he was able to identify her strange interests it proved to be the milestone of their relationship.
Services and helps can take your relationship a step further – the fourth path
“I love my wife very much”, once husband told so. He gave its explanation too, “She makes tasty food. She washes all my clothes, irons them and place in almarah. As soon as I return from office she gives me a cup of hot tea. Then she cleans my car once in every week.” Never try to underestimate him a cruel husband who sees a servant in his wife. He treasures relationships according to the helps and services received. It’s not only the case of his life partner; it’s applicable with every sort of service he receives from friends and society. He thinks that love is to be given and expressed in terms of services and helps. It’s his concept, nothing else.
Let me quote another example. Just hear what a wife says about her husband. “My husband assists me in kitchen in evenings. When I wash dishes, he rubs them with towel and place in shelves. If guests are present for a dinner, he sets the dining table. It’s he who places soap and towel near the wash basin. If he gets time he folds clothes for me to place in almarah. Every morning once he wakes up he folds the blankets and sheets and make our bed neat. He is really a loving person.” When Susan describes so about her husband to others, anyone can easily identify that she treasures relationships in terms of helps offered. If Susan’s husband is a person who bursts out saying “I never helped my mother or brothers since my childhood. Am I your servant?” we may not imagine even a single day in their life without explosions.
A wife who says “If you are a good husband you will do this help for me” and a husband who threatens his wife saying “If you don’t obey me you will have to suffer its consequences” – both are trying to loot love from their life partners through selfish means. Service may be their language of love, but it’s to be achieved through love, never by orders. Otherwise the relationship won’t stay alive.
Now the final step is touch – the gesture of affection
Touch is just an interpretation and expression of love in addition to virtual means. Even a new born infant identifies the exchange of emotions through touch easily. Simple touch, patting, kissing, embracing, holding hands together, sitting touching each other, sex – all are different forms of expression of love. If you partner gives preference to such things and if you neglect that person’s feelings she/he may feel suffocation in that relationship. Very often the other person may not express it openly. Instead he/she constrains to herself if he/she is neglected in this way. When you hold your partner’s hands the feeling of security that you both feel can’t be measured. So, touch gives a feeling of security in that relationship.
“Stomach is the way to enter husband’s heart”, when Diya heard it from her friend she made a grand supper to please her husband. After supper her husband waited for sometime. But she was busy in kitchen washing dishes and when she returned she heard the snoring sound of her husband. When she complaint next day about it he asked, “Why such a royal feast for me? Why can’t you come a little bit earlier?” So, from his words it’s clear, touch is his language of love not a pleasant dinner.
Skin is only one among our five senses. But it covers our whole body and even a sensible touch reaches our brain through nerves. Brain decodes those messages and interprets it as “It’s the language of love”.
‘Everything in me dwells in my body and when you touch me, you are really touching my soul. When you stay away from me you are avoiding and neglecting me as a person’, if your partner speaks through this language and if you neglect his/her tears staying away it will appear as the worst curse receive by that person. A simple touch is more powerful than the words, ‘I love you’ and if you share happy moments of your life with an embrace or a kiss, it’s the best excitement of a married life for sure, if he/she treasures this language of love most. But it’s to be noted that for everything there is an occasion and it depends on the mood of the other person. That simple touch will be more effective only when he/she desires so.
Now, try to find your language of love and that of your partner
Before finding your partner’s language of love, try to find yours. It’s easy to find your tastes after reading this article. Then ask your partner if you are right. Try to communicate openly with your partner to identify that strange language of love and try to please him/her giving preference to his/her taste. If so, no doubt you will enjoy the fruits of a healthy relationship. So, what are you waiting for? Find it now itself to begin a new journey of life.
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