Hundreds of thousands of people, keeping on searching for happiness. Their search either takes them to the Himalayas or to Varanasi or to to the extreme end of India, that is, Rameswaram, or simply go on working like bulls for upwards of sixteen hours per day. The people in the latter group often take pride in saying, "I have enough of money". But ask them if they are happy and they would reply " I really do not know".
The first category of people are not really happy either. They would say " i went to that place to wash off my sins" and add, " I am somewhat happy now". A few days later, they would say they are unhappy.
The bitter truth of life is that there is nothing called big happiness or big sorrow.
Happiness is just a frame of mind. You can choose to be happy by amassing wealth, as many do. You would spend it, you would enjoy a costly holiday in India, or even abroad. But the happiness would go, the moment you are back into the rat race.
For, the very concept of happiness matters and differs from person to person. What is happiness to one is not to another.
Yet, as in many other things and areas, we can learn from others, here too.
I have met several hundreds of people, who were very happy for a very long time, they said so, and even behaved as ones who openly exhibited that happiness.
There is one particular family I know of, in Coimbatore city. They take pride in whatever they do. They share all their joys with others. They are always ready to help others. In fact, both the husband and wife have done commendable work in some environmental campaign or the other. They often go to the orphanages and take their teenage children who also help out.
When I quiz members of the family, they readily point out that happiness lies in doing work for others. They do not have any voluntary agency. They do not claim any credit for their success. But they keep on carrying out some work or the other.
For those who know them very closely ( this author included), they never hesitate to ask them to stay on for any number of days, and provide food, all the three times of the day, with a tremendous amount of affection. This is not the usual affection that is so artificial, often seen in many urban cities.
Coimbatore itself is an emerging metro city in its own right. However, this couple stand out for all that is good in human nature. Am often given to understand that there are many others like them.
So, how can one define their concept of happiness?. It is a simple concept of making others happy, to the maximum extent possible. In fact, even local politicians respect them, and dare not to cross their way, given the fact that the entire neighborhood knows them very well. The gentleman is a local hero, but would never ever claim any fame, or boast about the work he does.
There are some other students in colleges, who strike out on their own. This author knows a group of students who regularly clean up the world-famous Marina Beach in Chennai. Every single local person in the vicinity of the beach, knows their work. They also join them in doing their bit. This group of boys and girls, do not make any publicity for themselves. But they are very happy they have done something.
To many rich people, happiness just means giving away parts of their wealth to the needy and the poor. In fact, that is true happiness for them. They often claim that only by the grace of God, they are where they are. So, why not give away at least something to the poor? In fact, most of such people, give new clothes on occasions like Diwali to prison inmates, to the old age people in old age homes and so on.
So, in the ultimate analysis, the concept of happiness is what we define as happiness.
There are some ground rules here too.
The first ground rule is very very important. This rule is very simple indeed: money cannot buy you any happiness at all. Money can buy you money things, you will feel happy for some time, and live all the luxury, but money is not happiness. Having more and more money is actually a pain.
The second ground rule is that irrespective of whatever you are, and whatever you are doing, do what makes you happy. Many advocate youngsters to follow their hearts to make their profession. As if to take a leaf out of a very famous Hindi movie, they point out that one can become a photographer, if one wishes to.
This author would not recommend such hobbies for a living. For, one does need to earn fairly substantial amounts of money, though there are limits to this madness. However, if one is IT savvy for example, he or she can take up jobs, quickly earn the cushion needed to satisfy their needs for the next fifteen years, and then venture out to take up their hobbies as a full time passion. That is, to follow their inner craving.
The third ground rule is that no is no such thing as "happiness, at all times". Life does have its own quota of pluses and minuses. There are many people who think that bad times will just vanish.
They will not. Bad times do occur. Jobs may be lost. Some one in the family may fall very sick. We should always be ready to shoulder the associated responsibilities to see through such difficult times. There is always a way out, and it is possible to sort out such things. However, to be happy to the maximum extent possible in even such situations, would demand courage and determination.
The fourth ground rule is that you should never chase happiness, particularly the kind that others are after. For, it is up to you to define what you mean by happiness. If perhaps doing service to others brings you happiness, do it. If making maximum money brings you happiness, do it, at least for some years.
The fifth ground rule, is that we also need to give importance to happiness of our life partners. There are many wives who want maximum money, and would simply push their husbands to work very hard. If you are such a husband, try to satisfy your wife to the maximum extent possible. Simply neglecting her would be a sure recipe for disaster. However, if you can make your wife take someone's advise, do it. For, she could then understand that real happiness is not through money alone.
Happiness, in conclusion, is just a frame of mind. It is highly person-specific. It should only be that way, forever.
It is extremely dangerous to allow crimes against women to continue. We should explore ways and means in which this could be done, but this is very urgent indeed.
The starting point of reform could be schools where the teachers should repeatedly tell the boys that violence against women, in any form, is not only undesirable, but also criminal. The boys should be able to develop meaningful relationship with girls of their age, under strict parental supervision. If this is done, when they grow up, it is very unlikely that such boys will even think of any violence against women.
The worst form of violence against women is rape. It is really ridiculous to argue that men will be men. This is just not correct at all. Let men be men, but within limits. Actually, rape is an extreme manifestation of man's urge to control member's of the opposite sex, through sheer might.
It is equally wrong to argue that death penalty should not be given for brutal rapes. Only if such laws are enforced and such punishments given, men will think twice before doing such an atrocious thing.
At the society level, the IT experts should come up any solution that can help any women in distress. For example, if the cell phone has a facility that automatically reaches the nearest police station and the closest of relatives, the woman can be saved, particularly when the location of the possible crime is known to the authorities concerned. Some developments have actually taken place, but the action should be very quick and fast for this to happen. Innovation in Information Technology can be a big solution.
A very urgent priority is to teach girl children, even when they are just six years old, all protective things like karate. This will go a long way in making the girl children more confident than what they are now, and will offer them enough protection.
Similarly, in all apartment complexes, there should be CCTV right in the security cabin, to monitor any movement of strangers. Even in big cities like Chennai, murders have happened, even if these cameras are present. Every single individual entering such complexes should be made to compulsorily enter all his personal details, like cell number. Even servant maids should have photo identify cards to operate in such places.
Similarly, those who work in construction sites should be made to report their details to the nearest police station. There has been a big spurt in crimes -- murder for gain in particular -- that have happened, and in each of these cases, those behind crimes are people from other States, who migrate to the particular city in search of work, and commit the crimes.
The worst crimes that have happened against women, in recent times, relate to extra-marital relationships, where the unmarried women is hand in glove with the man, to murder the first wife. This is a very dangerous trend, and the concerned relatives should act well in advance, and seek the advise of professional counselors, to sort out matters. It often happens that the man is somewhat frustrated with the wife, because of some weaknesses of the wife. If some corrective action is taken in time, such murders will not occur.
Similarly, colleges are also venues for violence against women. Love affairs blossom in such places, and ridiculous messages from some movies fuel one-sided love affairs. For example, in some movies, the hero is seen to be demanding that the heroine "should" love him. Many young men think that it it their birth right to "demand" from any girl, who they think, will suit their desires.
Such tendencies can be curbed through counseling, and strict monitoring by teachers. If pro-active action is taken, most violence activities in college campuses can be avoided.
Those women who live alone, should give their full details to the nearest police station. They should have two doors to their houses, both in the front, and in the rear. Only after seeing the stranger and ensuring that he is a genuine person, he should be allowed in. Even in such cases, calling the watchman or some other neighbor will help a great deal. Such women are soft targets for criminals. Such criminals should never be allowed to take advantage of the fact that the woman is alone.
Developing good relationships with neighbors is also a very useful step in controlling crimes against women. If the neighbors keep constant vigil, crimes can be reduced.
Unemployment, irregular salaries, very high inflation, and so on, make crimes inevitable. Crimes against women can never be allowed to get out of hand.
The time to act is now. We need to debate the solutions and come up with some innovations that will reduce crimes against women, drastically.
As human beings, we are all endowed with the same emotions and feelings. We are good in some ways --what we call as strengths. We also have some bad things in us, which sometimes get exhibited and, more often than not, when we are not even conscious of what we are saying or doing. These are our weaknesses. One of such things is to have a hugely incorrect opinion of ourselves, and start boasting to others that we, as individuals are capable of doing much more than anyone else in a particular group or even a big team, in the office.
If we are in power, this "I" mentality, often assumes a dangerous position. Our ego simply overtakes us, and our subordinates learn to live with our egos.
In fact, we discover ways and means of making each subordinate literally obey what we want them to do, irrespective of whether it is right or wrong. We do not even think how our behavior will hurt others. A very common manifestation of this giant sized ego is to insist that the subordinates should obtain approval from us, for the most silly or mundane of things. For example, if a Deputy Manager were to request for a car for official use, to attend a meeting in the Corporate office in the metro city, which is one hundred kilometers away, we insist that the transport in-charge should not only obtain our permission but also obey our decision as to what car should be made available to the official, even when there are clear guidelines made available by the Management for decisions in this regard.
The transport in-charge has only two choices: to obey our decision and fall in line, and become our "yes man" or take a bold decision, merely informing us of his decision. The latter course of action is often not liked by us. We do everything possible to make the subordinate follow our "line of thinking" and "our way of doing things'.
Corporate India is replete with such examples of highly egoistic behavior, which gets reflected in very irrational behavior. More often than not, any official who dares to question our authority becomes our enemy.
Worse, we carry such egos to our homes, and insist that our wives and children also happily follow our decisions, irrespective of whether they were right or wrong in the first place.
So, the problem is one of our "giant sized ego". This becomes a real problem at every level. Many of us who are into this game, loose sight of one very important thing --- building a team is as important as satisfying our own egos.
Many political parties in India are all one man or one woman shows. The moment the leader is sick or is dead, there is hardly any leader who can step in and fill the void. This is also true for ordinary mortals like us. We do not ever think of our own weaknesses and allow our egos to take over, at any point in time.
There are several reasons why such attitudes of building the "I" is a sure recipe for disaster, whether it is in the office or at home.
Firstly, it simply puts off all others who are literally forced to simply fall in line, without any choice. They often nurse hatred towards us, though they may not openly exhibit it, for a simple reason -- we have all the authority. Sometimes, the pent up anger simply explodes on some day, and the individual may simply resign his or her job.
Secondly, the "I" in us, totally blinds us to better behaviors that can easily win the voluntary co-operation of all others, including peers, subordinates and even superiors. With a huge amount of research available in advanced Behavioral Sciences, it is extremely possible to change our behavior by seeking feedback from experts well trained in such advanced research and application thereof, in organizational contexts.
Thirdly, we can also learn from others, if only we can shed our egos. Sane and good advise, more so, by our well wishers will become more available to us. We can indeed make good use of such advise to really graduate from the "I" to the "We".
Fourthly, we can see the larger world in a different perspective and learn to appreciate that we need to do much more than what we are doing now. For instance, a bank official in Chennai, really thought of "We" and did something very unique --- he started a voluntary organization called Exonora in Chennai, which had a clear mandate of doing something to keep public places clean. Today, this movement has spread to other parts of Tamil Nadu as well. If only each of us take part in such activities by devoting some time every week, the world will be a much better place to live in.
Fifthly, we need to understand that the very purpose of our lives is not to lead selfish lives. We also need to do something for the society. This "something" need not take the form of only money. Some kind words of appreciation for some good work done, some praise for some good recipe done by our wives, some quality time spent with our children, particularly during dinner time, can go a long way in making our lives far better and meaningful.
None of the aforesaid things can happen if we are to be obsessed with the "I" in us. Every single behavior, every single word spoken, or any body language at work, is noticed by so many people, even customers and suppliers.
Unless we change for the better, we can never do what needs to be done, to graduate towards the "We".
Feedback from others can help a great deal. For instance, the MBAs from the very good B-schools are very talented and are well trained in applied behavioral sciences. Even if they are younger than us, if we take them into confidence and ask for frank feedback, we can discover our own weaknesses. For, we need to understand that most of our weaknesses get exhibited, more often than not, without our knowledge, in a sort of semi-conscious state.
It is not impossible to graduate from the "I" to the "We'. A little bit of effort is needed, but it can be done. The time to act is now. For, it is now or never.
As Indians, we are experts at aping others. We like to ape the West in any possible way. This is more so, in matters concerning the inter-personal relationships in families. Indian marriages are now put to the most severe test, ever, for several reasons.
A very disturbing trend among young couples in most cities is to get angry for any small thing and blame each other for any lapse. This is more pronounced among those employed in the IT industry. Those who love each other at work and then get married, often find themselves at a loss to understand what went wrong -- even in as little as two years into their marriages. Even arranged marriages are no better, as one of the life partners in a marriage comes very late to home, and does not have the patience to engage the other in meaningful conversation, leading to breakdown in communication, and difference in opinion on the simplest of things.
There are problems galore, even in other cases. For instance, those boys who grow up in urban centers and are more used to the urban way of life, including table manners in the five star hotels, being IT savvy at all times, and so on, do not get well with their wives if the latter happen to be from semi-urban or rural areas. Even if the wife is a graduate or one with higher qualifications, the husband starts to believe that the way is a misfit. The TV serials in many languages go a long way in reinforcing such opinions. Constant abuse and teasing of the wife starts, with disastrous consequences.
So, how does one make things better, and how can more harmony be a way of life in Indian marriages?
The answers to the aforesaid question may seem very complex, but it is not so. Actually, we do have a huge cushion for marriages to work. For marriages to work, both the husband and wife need to look far beyond ordinary mundane quarrels or differences of opinion. A big amount of openness and transparency is called for. Once this is in place, other things may be easy to sort out. For example, inviting relatives from either side for social and religious functions may be a good opportunity for a good deal of bonding and emotional support between the husband and wife.
Similarly, the husband needs to understand that as members of the weaker sex, wives have their own physical and emotional problems. When the wife is also employed, she has to develop ways and means to strike a balance between the work at home and in the office. This becomes a huge challenge, more so, if the wife has to deal with the in-laws at home.
Wives in such cases, expect a huge amount of emotional support, and the husband needs to balance the emotional needs of his wife on the one hand, and his own mother on the other. In very rare cases, the wife gets a highly supportive mother-in-law, but this rarely happens. Ego clashes between the two women is a real challenge for the man, and he has to take on the mantle of managing any problem. Any imbalance here would lead to further problems.
Having a good network of friends and relatives in the local city or town, can work wonders. They will really offer good advise, more so, when conflicts seem to be getting out of hand.
We need to be conscious of the fact that our fathers and mothers had a huge talent in terms of tolerance for ambiguity, managing crisis situations and with fairly less wages in their times. A little conversation with such elders will through up many new ideas and will offer new avenues for understanding and compassion.
The problem of ego clashes needs to be sorted out soon, and the help of professional counselors can also be sought, just in case there is a need for this. It is always in the hands of the husband and wife to sort out any problem. It is never too late.
We need to be alive that Indians have far more emotional intelligence that is common to any marriage. Learning from success stories can also help a great deal.
Let us not ape the West in wrecking our marriages. Let us work towards more harmony, and for this to happen, we need a lot of give and take. This is easy and it can indeed happen.
A very disturbing trend that is increasingly seen among the urban nuclear families, particularly ones where both the husband and wife are employed, is to show a great deal of permissiveness towards children. This is often done to make up for the lack of quality time, lack of communication, and lack of caring and sharing.
However, this could be counter-productive, in both the short term and the long term. For the children always think that they can get away with whatever they do and also get whatever they want at any point in time. If this happens before the age of five, a set pattern clearly emerges and it is impossible to undo the damage at a later stage.
What exactly is permissiveness in this context of parent-child relationship?
Permissiveness will simply mean a total non-interference of parents in whatever the children do, at any point in time. "Freedom" for pride can be very counter productive. Parents often take pride in telling anyone who would dare to task about the minimum of dysfunctional behavior of their children, about the "freedom" that they had given and continue to give, to their children.
This can be really destructive. Children develop zero compassion for the suffering of others. They do not appreciate that there is a bigger world where millions suffer for even the most basic of things. In fact such children actually develop a total disdain for the poor and end up even teasing them. Even if the parents come to know this, they do not bother. Children often see parents behaving in a very harsh manner with their domestic servants. They tend to copy the same behavior and think that such bad behavior is perfectly okay at any point in time.
Worse, since money is never a problem, a huge amount of money is happily spent on buying the children the best of computers, laptops, cell phones and what have you. Playing computer games for well over three hours everyday is becoming very common.
Attention to studies is often not given the importance it deserves. When the teachers point out that the children are not studying properly, either of the parents or both, find fault with the teachers, telling them that their children are perfectly okay.
The Root cause
Actually, the root cause of the problem of permissiveness, is with the obsession with both the father and mother to go very high in their careers. They become so much addicted to work, and they spend huge amounts of time, even working at home. Children are left to themselves and, in the absence of grandparents, do not have any one to relate to, or even talk to. Very often, children hatch on to very bad habits. All the while, the parents think that they do "so much sacrifice" for the well being of children. However, they fail to understand that there is a big psychological side to the whole process of bringing up children.
Teaching children good values is as important as getting them the best of comforts. Respect for elders, the poor and the uneducated are as important as anything else, for a good life in future.
At least on some occasions, the grand parents should be made to come over and spend time with the children. The children should be taken to orphanages, old age homes, homes for the deaf and dumb, homes for the blind and the like, to understand what life is. Children of urban nuclear families will start to understand that there is another world, and their world is only a small world, a lucky world of comforts, but nothing else.
In fact, after visits to such places, it is often seen that children change, and develop respect for others, do not shout at servants and even cut down on time spent with computers.
Something needs to be done immediately. The trends in most urban homes is very disturbing. An emphasis on basic human values will go a long way in helping children change their attitudes for the better.
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